


I used to think loving meant a painful chase (but you're right here now and I think you'll stay)

by lgbtimelord



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alura In-Ze - Freeform, Angst, Astra In-Ze - Freeform, F/F, Fluff and Angst, I have not seen coie nor I care about it, Kal-El - Freeform, Kara Danvers Needs a Hug, Kara has Issues but at least she gets to mention them, Lena Luthor Knows Kara Danvers Is Supergirl, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug, Zor-El - Freeform, alex danvers - Freeform, mentions of - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-17
Updated: 2020-01-17
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:14:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22286950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lgbtimelord/pseuds/lgbtimelord
Summary: It was two weeks later when she arrived to her office and there was a small envelope waiting for her. It was white and couldn’t be bigger than the palm of her hand- the size of a business card... There was a small 1 written in the bottom right. She opened it and took out the small card in it; all air left her lungs when she read it.My name is Kara Zor-El.OrKara sends Lena small notes to say everything she never did.
Relationships: Kara Danvers & Lena Luthor, Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 20
Kudos: 681





	I used to think loving meant a painful chase (but you're right here now and I think you'll stay)

> _One of these days the sky's gonna break_  
>  _And everything will escape, and I'll know_  
>  _One of these days the mountains are gonna fall_  
>  _Into the sea, and they'll know_
> 
> _That you and I were made for this_  
>  _I was made to taste your kiss_  
>  _We were made to never fall away_  
>  _Never fall away_
> 
> **Letters From the Sky, Civil Twilight**

Earth had been saved, but Lena’s world was still falling apart. Seeing the world- and everyone around her- vanish, had made her move on from her anger to a state of sorrow and heartache. Everything sinking in; her actions of trying to take over everyone’s emotions, her attempt to out Kara to the world, Kara’s lies. But it still hurt- part of her thought it’ll always hurt. Her own hero, her favorite person in the entire world had ended up being like everyone else. Sometimes her anger would be completely directed at Kara and sometimes at herself: for not being kind enough, open enough- she wondered what she did wrong for Kara to deceive her like this. Lex’s words- _“you’re left with nothing, and no one”_ \- still haunted her at night, the accuracy in them would stab Lena’s heart over and over again until she’d be tossing and turning in her own bed- crying herself to sleep.

It was two weeks later when she arrived to her office and there was a small envelope waiting for her. It was white and couldn’t be bigger than the palm of her hand- the size of a business card. She was exhausted from a night of barely sleeping, her eyes were red and her usual unwavering walking was slow- if any of her employees had noticed, they didn’t mention it. She looked around the room, slowly searching for a trap or another anomaly in her office. When she found none she set up her cup of coffee on the table and picked up the envelope. There was a small 1 written in the bottom right. She opened it and took out the small card in it; all air left her lungs when she read it.

_My name is Kara Zor-El._

Lena knew exactly who the note was from and she wondered what Kara was planning now. Hadn’t she hurt Lena enough already? Nevertheless she read it again. It was written in Kara’s hand writing meaning the note was really from her and the sight of it made Lena’s heart ache. So she quietly whispered the name- just to try it out-, and put the note in one of the drawers when her assistant reminded her of the meeting in five minutes. 

That night, she took the card with her, and while lying alone in her bed she remembered the last time Kara had tried talking to her. Supergirl- she corrected herself. She was running after her, running as if she couldn’t catch up to her in literally one second. She begged Lena to talk to her so she could, once again, explain herself. There were bruises on Kara’s face and the sight of it made her uncomfortable- the reminder that Kara could be hurt, that she had been hurt. It had started as an almost civil conversation- Kara apologizing, Lena trying to be as cold as possible. But somehow Lex had been mentioned and Lena’s façade had cracked and she was once again angry, and yelling. Yelling at Lex for somehow still being alive after she shot him. Yelling at Kara for lying. Yelling at herself for still loving her so much. She had ended the conversation with, _“I don’t even know your fucking name.”_ and _“I don’t want to see you again.”_ She didn’t turn back when she left- she had seen enough of Kara’s tears.

The next day, the note felt almost like a dream. She had tucked it away in a book at home, ready to never see it again. But when she got to her office another envelope was waiting for her. She noticed the small 2 on it and then read it.

_My father’s name was Zor-El. My mother’s is Alura In-Ze._

She wondered again why Kara was doing this, what was the point of all of it. Knowing she might never get an answer; she tried the names out, wondered for a moment what was Kara’s mother like- if she is kind and warm like her daughter, if they look alike- and then started working.

The notes kept coming every day. One would always be waiting for her when she arrived at the office.

  1. _I had an aunt called Astra In-Ze, we were really close and she’d always tell me stories about her travels._
  2. _I was supposed to join the science guild back on Krypton, be their youngest member._
  3. _I can speak every language in this planet._
  4. _I’ve been to 13 other planets._
  5. _My glasses help me keep some of my powers in check._
  6. _I didn’t get along with Alex when I first arrived on Earth._
  7. _Winn was the first person I told I was Supergirl. Lucy the second and Nia the third. Everyone else found out from someone else or I never had to tell them._
  8. _I’m older than Kal-El but he arrived on Earth 24 years before me._



The next few notes weren’t there when she arrived to her office. Instead she found them outside of her apartment’s door every night. She realized why when she read them, they were more personal- probably painful memories and thoughts for Kara. So she picked up the envelopes and once she sat herself on the couch with a glass of scotch on her hand, she read them.

  1. _The first time I saw him I thought he was uncle Jor-El and for a moment I had hope everyone had survived._
  2. _The same day he found me, he left me at the Danvers’ and never looked back._
  3. _I get so angry at him sometimes. He thinks he carries the weight of an entire civilization but he has no real memories of Krypton- he arrived here as a baby._
  4. _I never tell him that his kryptonian is not one of the House of El or that he’ll never be truly kryptonian. But I think we both know he’s just a human with superpowers._



That night, slightly drunk and tired of asking herself why was Kara still sending her notes, she drove to her apartment at 2am. She knocked until a tired Kara opened the door, she was wearing pajamas with small pandas on them- the ones Lena had found endearing so many times-, her hair was messy and her glasses were half way through her nose. She stopped moving when she saw Lena at the door. She opened and closed her mouth a few times, trying to find the right words to say.

“What are you doing?” Spoke Lena first.

Kara frowned, “Sleeping?”

“I meant with the notes.”

Kara sighed and opened the door completely, a silent invitation for Lena to come in. She walked over to the kitchen and poured two glasses of water- she hated that the sight was so familiar.

“Here. You’re drunk.” She said, extending one of the glasses to her.

She remained on her place, arm crossed and expecting look on her face. She raised an eyebrow, urging Kara to keep talking.

“You said you wanted no more lies,” she explains, “I’m telling you everything I’ve always wanted to.”

“I also said I never wanted to see you again.”

“I know,” she looked away- Lena pretended she didn’t see the tear Kara wiped away-, “that is why I’m leaving you notes.”

“Well, I want you to stop.”

“No.” Kara said firmly.

“Excuse me?”

“I said no. You said you didn’t want to see me so I’m respecting your wishes but I’ll keep sending you the notes,” she sighed- tired, “I want you to know the parts of me you didn’t before.”

“I didn’t know you at all.”

“Yes, you did Lena,” she said softly, moving closer to her- hands reaching out as if they wanted to hold Lena’s, “so much more than you realize.”

“Please Kara,” she begged with tears in her eyes, “I’m tired- I can’t do this. I’m so tired of hurting.”

“I know, I know you are,” she answered softly, “and I know you don’t trust me nor believe… but I swear on Rao to you that I’m not doing this to hurt you. I just want you back.”

Lena nodded and left the apartment. Kara did not try to stop her this time, she knew better. But on her way back home, when she saw a small red blur on the sky, she allowed Kara’s words to warm her heart a little bit that night.

The notes kept coming, some on her office, some on her apartment door, some on the lab and as the day kept going Lena found herself more and more excited to know something knew about Kara. Some of the things were fun and intriguing, like the descriptions of Krypton’s landscapes or the games Kara used to play as a child. Some were dark and heartbreaking, like the story of how Kara’s mother used her to imprison her own sister and how a man from her and Alex’s childhood figured out her identity and kidnapped her. Some left Lena wanting for more and being able to talk face to face with Kara, but she knew-deep down- that she wasn’t ready for it just yet.

  1. _The fortress of solitude is the last place of Krypton on Earth, but it never felt like a part of home._
  2. _Argo is filled with memories too out of reach. I keep ignoring my mother’s pleas to come back._
  3. _I still think she sees me as the little girl she sent away. And she doesn’t know how to apologize. I don’t know how to fully forgive her either._
  4. _I also don’t know how to ask for forgiveness for not doing my mission, looking after Kal-El, even when she shouldn’t have sent a 13 year old on that mission in the first place._
  5. _Sometimes I keep thinking I should have burned with the rest of Krypton._



She called Kara that night. She was drunk, and she knew she should stop making decisions regarding Kara while she was drunk but she couldn’t stop. So, leaning on the balcony- one hand busy with a glass of scotch and the other one with her phone- she called her and after two rings the blonde’s worried voice came through the phone.

“Lena, are you okay?”

“I think I’m ready to talk about all this, instead of reading it.” She said, almost a whisper- not completely sure.

Kara sighed, “No, I’m sorry. But I don’t think I am.”

It was almost surprising, that Kara had refused Lena twice already. And had it not been for her tired voice she would have put more of a fight, “What do you mean?”

“There are still things you need to know.”

“Can’t you tell them to me?”

“Not all of them, no. There’s only a few notes left.”

“Okay.”

There was a moment of silence. None of them talked and instead they enjoyed something as small as hearing the other’s breathing through the phone. They had done this a thousand times before yet no silence felt as heavy as this one. And then Lena talked.

“Kara?”

“Yeah?”

“I think I’ve started to forgive you.”

“Really?”

“I mean. I’m still hurt. And sometimes I get so angry I want to go where you are and punch you until I break my hands. And some days I still get drunk and cry because you broke my heart… But I feel like I understand were some of your decisions came from and like we can... start over now.”

“I’m really happy to hear that.” Kara said, the smiled could be felt all the way from the phone.

“Goodnight, Kara Zor-El.”

“Goodnight, Lena Luthor.”

The days passed and Lena still received notes. She would be lying if she said she wasn’t fascinated with the ones about Krypton- the technology, the customs, everything. But as the days started to pass, every note kept digging and digging in Lena’s heart- looking for the place between all those boxes to find the one with forgiveness, because Kara definitely deserved it.

  1. _My father created Medusa._
  2. _My aunt and uncle tried to enslave Earth with Myriad._
  3. _I’m scared I’ll live forever and I will have to see everyone I love die, again._
  4. _I work in secret at the fortress to find a way to make myself age._
  5. _I didn’t tell you for a lot of reasons. But the main one was that you loved me. Kara, the simple girl that worked as a reporter and ate too much and loved Disney movies. And not even once you thought I’ll be less deserving of your love because of it._



She didn’t find note on her office, nor in her lab, nor in her apartment door when she arrived home that night. She thought maybe that was it. Kara had said all her truths and it was up to her to reach out now. A few hours later- when she was deciding whether or not to call her so late in the night- she heard a knock on her balcony window.

She knew it was Kara, but when she looked at her- instead of finding the usual red and blue of her suit, she saw her in a white dress. It was white and long. Its sleeves covered Kara’s entire arms with a see-trough cloth. The house of el emblem sat proudly on Kara’s chest but I didn’t shine or stood up like Supergirl’s and Superman’s did. It was just there, barely making itself known, as if whoever was wearing it simply owned it. Lena realized it was kryptonian clothing.

“Hi,” said Kara quietly when Lena opened the balcony door for her. She was walking around the apartment as if she’d never been there before. Nervously looking at Lena and then turning away her eyes. She was fidgeting with the little envelope on her hands.

“Should we sit?” Lena suggested when she saw Kara looking at the couch.

“Yea- yeah,” She answered, sitting way too quickly on the couch. Slowly running her hands through her dress after. “This is the last one,” she said, holding up the note for Lena to see, letting out a small laugh in the process.

“Couldn’t you give it to me like the rest?” Lena asked, sitting in the couch besides Kara. If she noticed the distance between them- the one that was never there in their friendship- she didn’t mention it.

“No. I also wanted to apologize.”

“You’ve already ha-”

“I know I have. I just feel like I haven’t expressed myself correctly,” she breathed out nervously and after Lena’s encouraging look she began, “You’re normal. You’re the first normal I’ve have in a long time. Normal for me was going to be so different,” she motioned to her clothes, “I was born to join the science guild- genetically engineered to fill a role in my society, and work with under my father like every El before me. When I was old enough I was going to be matched by the matrix to someone and, if I was very lucky, I was going to fall in love with them. I was going to have a child created by the birthing matrix and said child was probably going to be a scientist too. And then Krypton was destroyed and I landed on Earth,” She looked away- tears in her eyes, “and suddenly I had no purpose anymore, no science guild, no family. Kal-El was gone as soon as he appeared and the boy I had to look after was okay on his own. I had lost my normal. And don’t get me wrong- I love Earth; I’ve chosen it as my home now. It’s so full of life and possibilities, but sometimes I wish I could be back in my father’s lab and watch him work.” Lena moved closer and took Kara’s hands in hers, “And then I met you. You, that came from a family of scientist that had done wrong so many times, too. You, that wanted to make a name for yourself- and you said those words to me just when I felt like I didn’t truly know myself. And I couldn't help but see a kindred soul in you. And then I started to know you and slowly you started to feel like home. Alex had always made me feel like that- I wouldn’t have survived this long without her- but I knew I had to give her space to know herself, to be herself too. And suddenly you became a safe heaven to me. And I couldn’t tell you- couldn’t bring myself to tell you I was Supergirl, because it’d mean I had to give up my home again. It hurt me- it hurt me almost as much as making Alex forget who I really was,” she took a deep breath, and squeezed Lena’s hands- begging her not to hate her, “so I am so sorry Lena, I am so sorry.”

Lena was crying, she knew she was. But Kara was crying too and she hated the fact that the sight made her want to reach out and wipe her tears away. Kara, seemingly thinking the same, slowly moved her hand to Lena’s face and softly caressed her cheek with her thumb. Lena was speechless and tired but she couldn’t help but lean on to the touch.

“Thank you,” she said after regaining her voice, “for being honest with me now.”

“There’s still something else you should know,” she took her hand away from Lena’s check and she missed the contact instantly. She held out the note to her and looked at her expectantly.

Lena took the envelope with shaky hands. She saw the small 50 at the bottom right. She questioned what was in it. What was the thing Kara hadn’t yet told her. She looked one last time at the blonde before she opened it. She looked nervous. Almost scared. She opened the note and read it.

_I’m in love with you._

Kara. In love with her. A Luthor. Lena Luthor. The person who had tried to enslave the population a few months ago. Who had made kryptonite and locked Kara in a prison of glass filled with it. Kara. Who was soft and happy. Who literally saved people for a living. Who was an alien and had opened up her heart to Lena about her home planet, and god, it was beautiful. Kara, who she had been in love for so long it felt almost like her whole life.

“Lena?” she asked, softly- in case she might scare her off.

“Is this a joke?” she asked quietly, “a way to get revenge on me? Have a laugh?”

“No,” Kara said quickly, “Lena, no. Look at me. Please.” She added, and when green eyes met blue, Kara said with as much conviction as she could, “I love you. I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” Lena said, crying. Scared- as if saying the words might not make it true or as if she was expecting Kara would start to laugh on her face any second now. But instead Kara smiled, beamed.

“Really?”

“Yeah. I’m still hurt, I’m not sure that will ever go away but yeah… I love you, Kara.”

Kara smiled even more if that was possible and then she was hugging Lena as hard as she could. They hugged there in that couch for a long time. Both taking in the feeling of being completely content around each other. After some time, they had moved and Kara was laying on the couch with Lena half on top of her- one arm around Kara’s stomach and one hand softly tracing the S on her chest. Lena had always loved Kara’s eyes- the way they shined when she was happy, sad, content or angry- but the way they shined the moment Lena placed her hand on the emblem was definitely her favorite.

After a long time, when Kara’s eyes were already closed and her arms were around Lena’s waist, the later asked quietly.

“Is it true what you said… about finding a way to speed up your aging?”

“Yeah. I’ve never told someone that, I know I might not find anything so I don’t want to give them false hope.”

Lena rested her face on her palm and looked at Kara, who still had her eyes closed, “Can I help?”

Kara smiled softly, “Of course.”

“I think,” Lena said after a few seconds, slowly moving her fingers trough Kara’s blonde locks, “I’d really like to grow old with you.”

Kara opened her eyes and smiled at her again, “I’d really like that too.”

> **Author's Note:**

> @lgbtdomlene on twitter


End file.
